Do you know how torturing it feel when you like someone but you can't do anything about it? I mean like not just liking someone romantically, it can be totally platonic, you found yourself liking not only for their appearance but also for their personality. Because you're just so distinct to the definition of doing human contact properly whether it was mentally or physically, every time you crossed path with them you ended up cursing yourself because of how much things you could have done, but instead you just sat there being a passive human being waiting for them to always make the first move and then second move and third move, and then if they stopped you don't wanna take an initiative action for it to keep going, but you want it to keep going.
You just want that person to be your freaking baby sister, you just want their attention but you don't wanna give them your attention well at least you don't wanna look like they clearly got your attention. You always wanna be the person being chased, you're afraid to look like a desperate pathetic loser. well guess what? we're gonna have to be a desperate pathetic loser at some point in our lives.
Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. I know I literally just described myself, why is it so complicated for me to make a mental connection with someone, I even call it mental connection as if its some sort of scientific formula only a few know the solution of. Everything just felt so weird and forced, like it never came naturally, unless that person can really make me comfortable. See? I'm always depending the flow of every social intercourse I'm going through with the other participant.
It happened to me today, I have a friend, and i don't know, from the moment we were being united in some specific thing I felt weird, I felt he was watching me. Lol maybe its just me being a overly speculative bitch again but i don't know, he remembered little things such as my mid test score, how we met ONE time in the alley near my home and we had a very brief conversation, he remembered what we talked about and mentioned it when we meet again, god maybe its even normal for other people whatever, but that's what fish my reaction probably
Anyway, I just felt like he was just trying to be my friend, but its so difficult because yeah ITS ME. Its just so weirddddddddddddd, he always tried to joke around and idk make small talk when we met butt then I either just gave him a very short freaking conversation stopper answer or just act like he didnt exist, I dont know what happened okay, i just dont wanna make myself embrassed myself probably gooodddd. Like today for example he sat like wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to close to me and I literarly LITERARLY RAN OFF from him, like we were in a room and I ran outside and when I got back he was sitting in the doorway, and told me something and I gave him a very cold short awkward answer and I swear to god it was so weird
but now i've realized im just tiring myself, everytime i hold back something its just making me more and more anxious. I DKKKKK maybe i should stop holding back and just go blah ... ill try tomorrow, you know im gonna try the 30 days trying new things thingy? Well I'm gonna try to tell whatever the heck going on in my mind to other people however weird it may be
