Wet Navy Shirt

It was a very dark night for me. Hell was sure open that night, and it felt like it was calling my name over and over again. That day everything just went downhill. From the day I woke up until 8.04 pm dark clouds looming over my head waiting for it to make a thunderstorms just for me.

But that thunderstorms never came, the dark clouds that loomed over me was slowly but sure replaced by a very beautiful moonlight and lots and lots of stars. Those moonlight was surely not in the dark sky that Malang provided tonight. It was in his eyes. Geez this came out so cheesy, but it was true. He was there. His shirt was so wet, why was it so wet? Did he run all the way from Tangerang or something? He was so sweaty and his smile it was the brightest most childlike smile I have ever seen from someone, or am i just biased? I don't know, and I don't care. He was here. All flesh and everything.

"what the hell?" was all that my expressionless self could muster to say. "surprise i guess, haha" He said while sitting down on my dorm's front bench. He shook his head and all his sweat dripped down on the floor. "What's with the face? I didn't go all those yards to see your ugly frown" and then with that everything clicked, and it was like just the usual, and it wasn't weird.

I'm confused, scared, happy, angry, and exited. All those feelings were packed into one, every time his face made an appearance inside or outside my mind. Is it safe? to always feel like this? is this what it's supposed to feel like? Because I don't have a clue, I don't have any experience with this thing. It's all-new for me. Sometimes I hate my introverted self, I hate that I feel like I couldn't tell anyone about anything.

And then there were a lot of sayings that if you love someone, you're gonna feel safe, comfort, and security and that sense that everything is gonna be alright. It feels like a roller coaster to me. Always. Sometimes I'm up in the seventh sky, sometimes I'm down. And it sucks when I'm down because you expected to be with someone when you're down, but there was nothing. Just avoid, and his chat saying "Semangat ya deekk"

And then there comes a feeling, where I feel like I'm not enough, as the gap between me and him just so far away for me to catch up. People say partners should complete each other. I feel like he completed me but I didn't complete me.

I don't know. Till next time I guess.

-N

there are times when i feel like im just this shallow person who only think about temporary pleasure, like how those people who have much bigger burden on their shoulder but still managed to smile and look like they dont actually have them. Then theres me, im just so easy to be triggered by small things i always make them look like such a big deal, when in reality, there are a much bigger problems than that.

REPOST:

REPOST:

Clumsy Me

Today is Monholiday, it means today is monday and its a holiday also, and this Monday is officially added to the list of my favorite days.

Well, there wasn't actually any massive thing happened today. I wouldn't call it massive, I would call it.... Embarrassing

Like I didn't regret every decision I have made today, because ever since I opened my eyes this morning, everything just fell into place. And that, my friend, that happened because I follow the path that God has given to me. I did what most quotes on tumblr and motivation books told me, I let things happen and stop expecting bad things will come to my life, and it wasn't so bad... like I said before.. It was Embarrassing. But in a good way. Well.

I woke up when it was still dark outside, to be exact 4.00 am, I was so surprised because usually I could never wake up until my parents or my alarm make a really loud noise, but this morning was different, it was like something invisible had woken me up and forced me to go to the bathroom to take a wudhu and then pray, and so I did. After I finished my prayer, My phone rang, I looked up to it and a picture of a white letter and a name of my senior popped up on that screen. It was a reminder of a meeting for a big event in my school called English Party, and then I threw my phone away and sighed.

I didn't want to go to that meeting because today I actually planned to do my endless homework from the infamous mathematics teacher from Smanitra, Pak Sulasim. But then I thought to my self what a really selfish bastard I am if I missed this meeting for doing my personal task, I mean I'm sure all the other participants of that event must have their own things to do. It was just a meeting anyway, It wouldn't last until like noon or something, so it led me to decide that I have to go and attend this meeting.

I got out from my room and was welcomed by my parent's warm smiles and also a warm chocolate milk made by myself. Haha. It was a very good morning, indeed (especially because I didn't have to go to school) the television show that morning was very funny, it was a film called Little Giants and it has successfully make the sun shines brighter and the smile in my face stretch wider. 

After the movie ended, I took a bath and prepared to go. My father had already yelled at me several times because of my slow motion, but his yelling voice surprisingly sounded like a music to my ear this morning, I don't know why. Anyway My Father took me to my school, actually the meeting was held in the Ind*m*r*t beside my school. When My father's car rode pass the Ind*m*r*t, I saw a couple of third grader walk pass the door of that mini market, and suddenly I forgot how to breath. Because that person whom I talked about at the very first post of my blog was there. At that very moment, I even have a thought to tell my father to just turn around and go back to my house and hide in there forever, but I didn't tell him because I would totally make his mood dustier than it already was, so I gathered my courage and got out from my father's car. 

Hear beating fast. Check. Hand sweating and trembling like crazy. Check. The papers that were supposed to be in my binder were pathetically grabbed by my sweaty hand, because I forgot to put it back in my binder. Check.

I walked with the left overs confidence in my body, I saw the other third graders except him entering a car. Where is he? Probably already in the car. I was pushing down my curiosity so hard and trying my hardest not to turn my head towards their car, but my head was working against its master, I tilted my head to their car and searched if anything, anyone, that resemble him was in that car, but I only saw his friends. Not him. Not even a glimpse. He was gone, blown by the wind, or it was probably only my imagination of him that I saw in the first place, but this theory was completely wrong as soon as I turned my glance away from their car. 

He was right in front of me. I repeat. HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT ME and in case this wasn't a climax for you, the wind suddenly decided to tease me and blow all the papers in my hand. I have a fast reflect, and there was a bad and also a good thing about it, the bad thing was I literally mentioned (only a whisper tho i hope he didn't hear it) his name, because at that very moment in my brain the only word that exist was only his name and the good thing was my fast reflect caught most of the papers. I said most. That means not all of the papers. This one paper almost fell into the nearest gutter from the land where we stood, but fortunately he caught it just in time, but the paper was flown far to the gutter so that he lost his balance and almost fell to the gutter also, BUT OF COURSE HE DIDN'T. IF HE DID FALL, I WOULD LITERALLY JUST RUNAWAY FROM THERE ALL THE WAY TO MY HOUSE, PACK MY THINGS, MOVE TO AFRICA, CHANGE MY NAME, AND JUST DISAPPEAR FROM LIFE.

Then he gave it back to me, I said. "Makasih ya kak, sorry" or something like that. I forced my cowardice to screw itself and look up into his eyes, he calmly nodded and smiled and said "Iya, iya.. hati-hati lain kali ya" The sound of the laughter from his friends were the soundtrack of this little accident, and I can't help but feel grateful because they all will graduate soon and will forever be gone from my sight (cruel, i know) 

This person has inspired me so much, that's why this little accident seemed to be a big thing in my eyes. Anyway, there were actually so many extraordinary things that happened today that I would really like to share it with you but it's already late and my mother is telling me to eat my dinner.

QUOTES OF THE DAY:

"Every cloud has a silver lining" 

weird itchy feeling

it was just about to rain in my little town, you were standing there wearing a blue bomber jacket, with a messy hair, and a silly smile on your face. Why are you running through the rain just to be here? You said "Sorry, my teacher was having a bad day, and he decided to take it all out on us by giving a pop up quiz". Everyone laughed, I just stared at you, confused. You sat in front of me and we continued our talks.

i continued babbling about things I've been trying to understand, trying to catch everyone's attention, trying to be the leader, but all i saw was their pity, they were looking at me while nodding their head meanwhile their brain was someplace else, but then my eyes diverted at yours. You were staring at me without skipping a beat, was it curiosity? Who the heck is this weird introverted girl? and why in the world is she in our team? maybe that's exactly whats going on through your mind every time I'm trying not to collapse when I had to speak in front of everyone.

I tried not to rest my eyes in your direction for too long, but then my eyes moved to your washed up blue jeans, and i was taken back to the day you were just a stranger wearing a red printed shirt, when you were just a name everyone's asking me about. I remembered the forced handshake, the uncomfortable silent when we were placed beside each other at the photo booth, and the day we first properly talked when you were late again because you had meeting in other place

"so you're gonna take this huh?"
"umm... i dont know, maybe"

and that was it, we were strangers forced to be in the same room again.

the meeting was almost finished. everyone is saying goodbye to everyone, and then we had to do the handshake again, this time you gripped my hand, pulled me to yourself, and said "don't forget to wake me up in the morning okay?" I hate you for doing that because now, 7 days later I couldn't stop thinking about that thing you did, that you probably already forgot.

I dont know what'll happen, you'll probably stop talking to me later , but I'm holding my breath just so you know.