It was a very dark night for me. Hell was sure open that night, and it felt like it was calling my name over and over again. That day everything just went downhill. From the day I woke up until 8.04 pm dark clouds looming over my head waiting for it to make a thunderstorms just for me.
But that thunderstorms never came, the dark clouds that loomed over me was slowly but sure replaced by a very beautiful moonlight and lots and lots of stars. Those moonlight was surely not in the dark sky that Malang provided tonight. It was in his eyes. Geez this came out so cheesy, but it was true. He was there. His shirt was so wet, why was it so wet? Did he run all the way from Tangerang or something? He was so sweaty and his smile it was the brightest most childlike smile I have ever seen from someone, or am i just biased? I don't know, and I don't care. He was here. All flesh and everything.
"what the hell?" was all that my expressionless self could muster to say. "surprise i guess, haha" He said while sitting down on my dorm's front bench. He shook his head and all his sweat dripped down on the floor. "What's with the face? I didn't go all those yards to see your ugly frown" and then with that everything clicked, and it was like just the usual, and it wasn't weird.
I'm confused, scared, happy, angry, and exited. All those feelings were packed into one, every time his face made an appearance inside or outside my mind. Is it safe? to always feel like this? is this what it's supposed to feel like? Because I don't have a clue, I don't have any experience with this thing. It's all-new for me. Sometimes I hate my introverted self, I hate that I feel like I couldn't tell anyone about anything.
And then there were a lot of sayings that if you love someone, you're gonna feel safe, comfort, and security and that sense that everything is gonna be alright. It feels like a roller coaster to me. Always. Sometimes I'm up in the seventh sky, sometimes I'm down. And it sucks when I'm down because you expected to be with someone when you're down, but there was nothing. Just avoid, and his chat saying "Semangat ya deekk"
And then there comes a feeling, where I feel like I'm not enough, as the gap between me and him just so far away for me to catch up. People say partners should complete each other. I feel like he completed me but I didn't complete me.
I don't know. Till next time I guess.
-N
