what u get is what u give

With a prolonged wait of something that is really making me anxious, the reveal is finally here. And I didn't expect anything, so maybe that's one of the reasons why, it didn't make me as disappointed as I'm supposed to be. But don't get me wrong the feeling is still there, it's like that itchy feeling on your feet, you scratched it hoping the feeling will go away but no, it's still there, in fact you couldn't even put a spot where it actually itches, it's just there hiding behind your skin.

Another chapter of my life has been finished. It's a very long chapter indeed, very full of laughter, tears, confusion, anger, and some new feelings I haven't yet to discover.

Yesterday, I finally finished my job as one of the people who's supposed to make everyone smarter. I don't know whether that has been achieved or not, but there are a lot of things that have been happening to me and I don't wanna say the cliche that I become a whole new different person after I went through this journey. Because I'm not, I'm still me. What happened was I get to finally know a lot more about myself, that's probably what happened with a lot of people when they finished some job, they learn to cope with themselves, with their demons. And along the way I found so many new demons that I thought wasn't in me.

I wanted to list them one by one, but I feel like this isn't the place for it, what if-- someone I don't know, someone i knew who were typing my name in the google search wondering why in the world i don't have a social media in this century being an IT student add to that and then found this little blog, then they read this. Would you still wanna be my friend if I told you my newly found demons inside myself? That sounds really creepy to be honest, it's not exactly demons that you see in the exorcism or some weird horror movies I will never watch. It's just a metaphor for some shit I don't like about myself, some shit I wanted to change, or get better out at. Ah, okay then I'm just gonna list them some place else. Here I wanted to write words that are-- umm not exactly sugarcoated, but I maybe add some stevia here and there. So here comes nothing.

Many months ago, I always envied the way my friends always travel in packs, how they got each other back, studying together, exploring new places, and they know something I did't know. So that was one of the reason I joined this organization. The screening process was shit horse, i mean it wasn't exactly a shit horse, i just felt like I could've done better. and plus i joined another organization 

Wet Navy Shirt

It was a very dark night for me. Hell was sure open that night, and it felt like it was calling my name over and over again. That day everything just went downhill. From the day I woke up until 8.04 pm dark clouds looming over my head waiting for it to make a thunderstorms just for me.

But that thunderstorms never came, the dark clouds that loomed over me was slowly but sure replaced by a very beautiful moonlight and lots and lots of stars. Those moonlight was surely not in the dark sky that Malang provided tonight. It was in his eyes. Geez this came out so cheesy, but it was true. He was there. His shirt was so wet, why was it so wet? Did he run all the way from Tangerang or something? He was so sweaty and his smile it was the brightest most childlike smile I have ever seen from someone, or am i just biased? I don't know, and I don't care. He was here. All flesh and everything.

"what the hell?" was all that my expressionless self could muster to say. "surprise i guess, haha" He said while sitting down on my dorm's front bench. He shook his head and all his sweat dripped down on the floor. "What's with the face? I didn't go all those yards to see your ugly frown" and then with that everything clicked, and it was like just the usual, and it wasn't weird.

I'm confused, scared, happy, angry, and exited. All those feelings were packed into one, every time his face made an appearance inside or outside my mind. Is it safe? to always feel like this? is this what it's supposed to feel like? Because I don't have a clue, I don't have any experience with this thing. It's all-new for me. Sometimes I hate my introverted self, I hate that I feel like I couldn't tell anyone about anything.

And then there were a lot of sayings that if you love someone, you're gonna feel safe, comfort, and security and that sense that everything is gonna be alright. It feels like a roller coaster to me. Always. Sometimes I'm up in the seventh sky, sometimes I'm down. And it sucks when I'm down because you expected to be with someone when you're down, but there was nothing. Just avoid, and his chat saying "Semangat ya deekk"

And then there comes a feeling, where I feel like I'm not enough, as the gap between me and him just so far away for me to catch up. People say partners should complete each other. I feel like he completed me but I didn't complete me.

I don't know. Till next time I guess.

-N

there are times when i feel like im just this shallow person who only think about temporary pleasure, like how those people who have much bigger burden on their shoulder but still managed to smile and look like they dont actually have them. Then theres me, im just so easy to be triggered by small things i always make them look like such a big deal, when in reality, there are a much bigger problems than that.

REPOST:

REPOST:

Clumsy Me

Today is Monholiday, it means today is monday and its a holiday also, and this Monday is officially added to the list of my favorite days.

Well, there wasn't actually any massive thing happened today. I wouldn't call it massive, I would call it.... Embarrassing

Like I didn't regret every decision I have made today, because ever since I opened my eyes this morning, everything just fell into place. And that, my friend, that happened because I follow the path that God has given to me. I did what most quotes on tumblr and motivation books told me, I let things happen and stop expecting bad things will come to my life, and it wasn't so bad... like I said before.. It was Embarrassing. But in a good way. Well.

I woke up when it was still dark outside, to be exact 4.00 am, I was so surprised because usually I could never wake up until my parents or my alarm make a really loud noise, but this morning was different, it was like something invisible had woken me up and forced me to go to the bathroom to take a wudhu and then pray, and so I did. After I finished my prayer, My phone rang, I looked up to it and a picture of a white letter and a name of my senior popped up on that screen. It was a reminder of a meeting for a big event in my school called English Party, and then I threw my phone away and sighed.

I didn't want to go to that meeting because today I actually planned to do my endless homework from the infamous mathematics teacher from Smanitra, Pak Sulasim. But then I thought to my self what a really selfish bastard I am if I missed this meeting for doing my personal task, I mean I'm sure all the other participants of that event must have their own things to do. It was just a meeting anyway, It wouldn't last until like noon or something, so it led me to decide that I have to go and attend this meeting.

I got out from my room and was welcomed by my parent's warm smiles and also a warm chocolate milk made by myself. Haha. It was a very good morning, indeed (especially because I didn't have to go to school) the television show that morning was very funny, it was a film called Little Giants and it has successfully make the sun shines brighter and the smile in my face stretch wider. 

After the movie ended, I took a bath and prepared to go. My father had already yelled at me several times because of my slow motion, but his yelling voice surprisingly sounded like a music to my ear this morning, I don't know why. Anyway My Father took me to my school, actually the meeting was held in the Ind*m*r*t beside my school. When My father's car rode pass the Ind*m*r*t, I saw a couple of third grader walk pass the door of that mini market, and suddenly I forgot how to breath. Because that person whom I talked about at the very first post of my blog was there. At that very moment, I even have a thought to tell my father to just turn around and go back to my house and hide in there forever, but I didn't tell him because I would totally make his mood dustier than it already was, so I gathered my courage and got out from my father's car. 

Hear beating fast. Check. Hand sweating and trembling like crazy. Check. The papers that were supposed to be in my binder were pathetically grabbed by my sweaty hand, because I forgot to put it back in my binder. Check.

I walked with the left overs confidence in my body, I saw the other third graders except him entering a car. Where is he? Probably already in the car. I was pushing down my curiosity so hard and trying my hardest not to turn my head towards their car, but my head was working against its master, I tilted my head to their car and searched if anything, anyone, that resemble him was in that car, but I only saw his friends. Not him. Not even a glimpse. He was gone, blown by the wind, or it was probably only my imagination of him that I saw in the first place, but this theory was completely wrong as soon as I turned my glance away from their car. 

He was right in front of me. I repeat. HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT ME and in case this wasn't a climax for you, the wind suddenly decided to tease me and blow all the papers in my hand. I have a fast reflect, and there was a bad and also a good thing about it, the bad thing was I literally mentioned (only a whisper tho i hope he didn't hear it) his name, because at that very moment in my brain the only word that exist was only his name and the good thing was my fast reflect caught most of the papers. I said most. That means not all of the papers. This one paper almost fell into the nearest gutter from the land where we stood, but fortunately he caught it just in time, but the paper was flown far to the gutter so that he lost his balance and almost fell to the gutter also, BUT OF COURSE HE DIDN'T. IF HE DID FALL, I WOULD LITERALLY JUST RUNAWAY FROM THERE ALL THE WAY TO MY HOUSE, PACK MY THINGS, MOVE TO AFRICA, CHANGE MY NAME, AND JUST DISAPPEAR FROM LIFE.

Then he gave it back to me, I said. "Makasih ya kak, sorry" or something like that. I forced my cowardice to screw itself and look up into his eyes, he calmly nodded and smiled and said "Iya, iya.. hati-hati lain kali ya" The sound of the laughter from his friends were the soundtrack of this little accident, and I can't help but feel grateful because they all will graduate soon and will forever be gone from my sight (cruel, i know) 

This person has inspired me so much, that's why this little accident seemed to be a big thing in my eyes. Anyway, there were actually so many extraordinary things that happened today that I would really like to share it with you but it's already late and my mother is telling me to eat my dinner.

QUOTES OF THE DAY:

"Every cloud has a silver lining"