Biting your tongue

Do you know how torturing it feel when you like someone but you can't do anything about it? I mean like not just liking someone romantically, it can be totally platonic, you found yourself liking not only for their appearance but also for their personality. Because you're just so distinct to the definition of doing human contact properly whether it was mentally or physically, every time you crossed path with them you ended up cursing yourself because of how much things you could have done, but instead you just sat there being a passive human being waiting for them to always make the first move and then second move and third move, and then if they stopped you don't wanna take an initiative action for it to keep going, but you want it to keep going.

You just want that person to be your freaking baby sister, you just want their attention but you don't wanna give them your attention well at least you don't wanna look like they clearly got your attention. You always wanna be the person being chased, you're afraid to look like a desperate pathetic loser. well guess what? we're gonna have to be a desperate pathetic loser at some point in our lives.

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. I know I literally just described myself, why is it so complicated for me to make a mental connection with someone, I even call it mental connection as if its some sort of scientific formula only a few know the solution of. Everything just felt so weird and forced, like it never came naturally, unless that person can really make me comfortable. See? I'm always depending the flow of every social intercourse I'm going through with the other participant.

It happened to me today, I have a friend, and i don't know, from the moment we were being united in some specific thing I felt weird, I felt he was watching me. Lol maybe its just me being a overly speculative bitch again but i don't know, he remembered little things such as my mid test score, how we met ONE time in the alley near my home and we had a very brief conversation, he remembered what we talked about and mentioned it when we meet again, god maybe its even normal for other people whatever, but that's what fish my reaction probably

Anyway, I just felt like he was just trying to be my friend, but its so difficult because yeah ITS ME. Its just so weirddddddddddddd, he always tried to joke around and idk make small talk when we met butt then I either just gave him a very short freaking conversation stopper answer or just act like he didnt exist, I dont know what happened okay, i just dont wanna make myself embrassed myself probably gooodddd. Like today for example he sat like wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to close to me and I literarly LITERARLY RAN OFF from him, like we were in a room and I ran outside and when I got back he was sitting in the doorway, and told me something and I gave him a very cold short awkward answer and I swear to god it was so weird

but now i've realized im just tiring myself, everytime i hold back something its just making me more and more anxious. I DKKKKK maybe i should stop holding back and just go blah ... ill try tomorrow, you know im gonna try the 30 days trying new things thingy? Well I'm gonna try to tell whatever the heck going on in my mind to other people however weird it may be

Confusion

Have you ever felt so irritated towards someone?

Everything they do makes you wanna scream into their face to never do it again

I realized it happened to me whenever I'm close to someone,

Whenever I get close to someone, I spent a lot of time with them I started to notice their flaws

And sometimes it bothers me

Sometimes I wanna act cold wishing they'd catch my drift and stop doing whatever silly things they do that get on my nerves

But not everyones a mind reader, probably the ratio is 1:1000000000. And I doubt I have that many of friends to find that one mind reader

I need to stop acting passive aggressive, its bad for any relationship. I wanna learn to share my thoughts in the most harmful way possible, but nevertheless not reducing any important points in those thoughts. Because If I did, then I'm going back to square one which is being passive agressive

So from now on, I'm done tiring myself hiding behind my what ifs, I just wanted to do what I think will do best for me. Whether it was saying Hi, to the person I never said hi to. It's ok they'll probably wont respond to you the way you wish they do. But at least you did your part and the rest is up to them

The world is to short to think twice about everything, so make sure the ones you did, are the ones that really matters and indeed requires a lot of thinking.

Cube

Have you ever felt so unsure about the way you feel when you're around people?
Like you don't know what's the right feelings for a certain group of people and another ones

I always feel like I have to classified people into cubes
In this cube, I'd have to be more cheerful, talkative, loud and smiley.
In another cube, I'd have to say things that will make myself look like I have everything together
In another cube, I'd have to contain myself and say things that never provoke anyone
The funny thing is, I really haven't found any cube that doesn't require me to think twice to do anything.

Well, I feel like I have, but I was stupid and I take things for granted that I'm not even sure If I could fit into that cube anymore.

Uncertainity

If you were to choose a color that would best describe your feeling after I told your my life story, it would probably grey. Because it was confusing, full of unfinished business and maybe sometimes it would change into red, when that sudden excitement came out of no where only to replace by another gloomy color that is  that shade of blackish brown, because again I will start to wonder where did all of this excitement come from and whether something or someone will take it away from me with just a snap of his hand.

So, last weekend, I get to experience this so called conference thingy that is being held by the organization that I recently joined which is AIESEC, not to name drop but yeah name dropping has become my favorite hobby these days, maybe to make my name more visible. Anyway, I joined this organization because I haven't joined any organization in university, and I was such a kupu-kupu student where basically all I do is just go to class and then go home. I was so freaking bored with that routine that I became a little bit depressed? Seriously, I'm not even exaggerating because there was a point in my college life where all I do is just sitting there and wonder if I'm just going to live like this for the rest of my college years.

See guys, the thing is I'm not a really good story teller, I wanted to tell you about my conference experience but I ended up telling you about my life before that. So umm, maybe I'll tell you about my conference experience in the next post? hehe I'm sorry, GOD, BAD IMPRESSION ALREADY NURINA? But this is my blog anyway, and the only person whos going to spend their time reading this is probably me and maybe some google bots. So hey google bots, glad you could spare ur time and creepin on my private information, or umm im sorry is that on your job description?

Anyway, in my first year of college basically all I do is being scared, I'm scared to do anything, I wanted to join organization but I'm scared that I'll get rejected and yeah that feeling didn't come out of no where really, I wanted to join this committee thingy which is specifically aim for freshmen but I got rejected, and it made me feel so insecure and unsure about my skills. So I got a little traumatic whenever I heard the word "Screening" because yeah it reminded me of the dark times that is when I got rejected which is not a dark time at all when you think about it. So I ended up spending my first year of college sending out my application letter to a lot of organization but never urge myself to come to the screening phase.I sent it to my himpunan and didnt come to the screening process, I sent it to the BEM and didnt come to the screening process.

At that time my friend already joined organization or at least UKM, which I already joined which is FORMASI, but I never came to the gathering and what not, so when people asked me if I joined anything, I just told them that I joined FORMASI but I spare that little details that I never actually go to any of their agenda. All my friends was busy doing this, and that with their organization and I was just the girl that sometimes get good grades and what not, I wasnt very social person either, maybe my classmates think that I'm this arrogant bitch who doesnt wanna share, but in real life I'm just a very introverted and reserved person. but hey its not who you are underneath, its what you do that defines you.

Until the announcement for the recruitment for the three big events in FILKOM come and I was very anxious, my pre screening syndrome come again and I was battling my own self whether I wanted to join this committee or not, it was the last day of screening and my friend Ghinaa (Ily ghinaa) line'd me and asked me to join one of these three big events so this urge of braveness raved through me maybe because I came to the screening process with her, so I have a little bit of moral support and yaaaaassss as per usual, It wasnt going swimingly well, as I've never been good at doing unrehearsed conversation buuuuuuuuuuuuuut I got accepted as kestari which is like the one who take care the administration files for the upcoming freshmen 2017. At that times I was very happy, because its my first time ever joining a quite big committee in college and  yeah, even though I have to end my holiday early to take care of this committee.

This committe was quite and experience for me, I met a lot of new people with different characteristic, though I'm still struggling to find a way to work with those people but I learned so many things. I learned how to organize things, and a little bit of leadership skill (?) when I was asked to be the person in charge for one of the sub events, sometimes I still got carried away by my emotion and I know I shouldnt do that. I wish to be more of a solution oriented person. To be honest, maybe I havent really absorbed everything I should, because I feel like its not really fulfilling experience and I feel like I dont really have to think to do the job that I was asked to do, it was more of a physical thing where I have to print out all of the administration files (WHICH IS REALLY ENVIRONMENTALLY UNFRIENDLY) and even other guys in there told us that we're basically just a "tukang fotocopy dan print" well I know they were joking, but hey. Maybe in the next event I should be more involved and suggest things and you know be more present and not just be a yes men and actually use my voice to make a better environment for everyone???

ANYWAY, yeah I ended up telling a story about my welcoming maba committee experience, well byeeeeee. (I HAVE AN EXAM TOMORROW)

whinning

Hey, please be alarmed that this post will contain random things and some of them will be so cliche that you probably will skip a paragraph or five. Well, I made this blog as a place to express my feelings, because apparently I can't do that in another type of place. See, cliche right? Anyway, it's been 4 days since my arrival at Malang and if I'm being honest I've never felt so out of place before. 

So it was morning flight, I woke up at 4.30 AM because it's the first time for me to be on a flight alone, and surprisingly I felt nothing but excitement. My mother made me a spaghetti to eat while I'm waiting for the plane and then I took a bath and everything happened as it was supposed to be, but when I was on the plane, the weather was really bad, the plane shook as if it was going to fall right then and there and the seat-belt  light was on, and I freaked out so much that I keep repeatedly saying prayer and in that moment I thought that when all of this was over- if all of this was over, I'd be living my life more grateful, I would try my best in everything, and never for once take things for granted like I used to do in my past year. 

Well, here I am live to tell the story, but what I've realized from this experience was I actually have been through worse than this, when I went to Bali with my Mom the weather was  much worse than it was that day. yet, there I was nearly cried and had my heart jumped out of its place, the reason was simple. It was that tight grip that made the difference the tight grip from my Mom and her praying sound that makes me feel safe. 

Fast forward to when I arrived at my dorm room I cried so hard, it was because this little message I got from my grandmother, it was so simple actually, she was asking if I arrived safely in Malang and of course I said yes, and she said "Syukur deh embah jadi ayem" as soon as I read that sentence, tears started to roll down from my eyes. In fact, I couldn't stop crying that day so I decided to go to the supermarket to calm myself and it worked.

It's really weird, when I first got to Malang in semester 1 I wasn't really that homesick, In fact I had never been homesick in that time, but now I feel like every single day I wish time will go faster so I can go back to my parents, but then I realized I have so many responsibility. If I spent my college days just waiting for it to be over I think I'm just wasting my parents money and my time of course. I'm just so pressured by everything right now. I feel like I have to do so many things at once.